Silent Hill: The Grocery Store Edition
by Ember Belli
Summary: What if no one died in Silent Hill and all of the characters got jobs at a grocery store. My first go at a Silent Hill Parody. Will be between 2 and 3 chapters. Inspired by my own job.


A/N: So, guys, if you didn't know I work at a grocery store and I love it! Since Silent Hill has been on my mind for weeks now, I thought that I should try to come up with a parody story. This idea came to me when I was at work when my friends and I changed the name on our name tags into Silent Hill character names. It was quite a lot of fun and our regular customers found it hilarious! Enjoy!

"All right, you guys, whose ready for training day?" James Sunderland asked as he pulled the car off the street and into the parking lot of the Heaven's Night Market. It was a small, yet very popular grocery store that resided at the midpoint between Silent Hill and Shepherd's Glen. Anyone who was anyone in either town worked there. Recently in the past few months, the owner of Heaven's Night Market had renovated the entire store and it was now the size of a super Wal-Mart. They had successfully hired thirty new employees to keep the store in business, and James and his clique of Silent Hill inhabitants had all been selected.

"I guess I am," said Heather Mason from the backseat. She pulled at the hideous pink cobbler that all the employees had to wear. She felt disgusting. It was nothing like the beautiful white vest her father had given her, which was now ruined, due to the huge stain of God's blood that was on the front of it. It had been six months since she had killed God, and she still yet had to get the vest dry cleaned.

"I am certainly not," hissed Claudia Wolf from beside Heather. She had her arms crossed and she was staring blankly out the window. This was the first time she had been out of Silent Hill since God had been slayed. She wasn't even sure how she had gotten hired in the first place, since she hadn't had a proper interview.

"Come on, guys!" said James, piratically laughing. "Lighten up! We haven't been out of Silent Hill in a while. This will be good for us."

Pyramid Head growled lowly from the passenger seat. No one knew exactly what he was saying, but James seemed to understand him. James parked the car beside the huge. newly renovated tan building, put it in park and shut off the engine. The group then piled out of the car and bunched up. Claudia stood, not looking happy at all, James was locking the car, Pyramid Head was scratching his abs, and Heather was smoothing her shirt. Heather turned to Claudia as she began to fuss over the wrinkles in the material. She opened her mouth to speak.

"Of course it makes you look fat!" hissed Claudia.

Heather felt as if she could cry. Claudia had just called her fat, when, in fact, Claudia was a tad more chubby than her. Heather stomped her foot. "You always do this!" she cried.

"Easy, ladies!" soothed James. Nervous that Claudia and Heather would break out into a tussle, he held up his wristwatch. "The manager is expecting us now."

Forgetting the comments, Heather, Claudia and Pyramid Head all made there way into the store. They approached the front doors, and they slid open automatically. This did not bother James, Heather or Pyramid Head, but Claudia jumped back.

"It moves by itself!" she cried with big eyes. " It is posessed. God save me!"

James then quickly grabbed Claudia's shoulders. "It's all right, Claudia. It's not going to hurt you. See," he said as he released her and made his way through the doors. Pyramid Head pushed Claudia through them harshly, and she stumbled across the metal floor and into the tiled environment of the store. She felt like a fool as she stood in the doorway, cowering. James cleared his throat and she straightened her posture.

There were fifteen cash registers lined up at the front of the store. Only four were open at that very moment. On number eleven, Travis Grady was busy bagging an elderly ladies groceries for her. He jabbered away about his old job of trucking as he worked, the elderly woman staring at him, an eyebrow quirked. On register eight, Harry Mason was looking at the sales ad as he leaned against his register belt. Heather blushed, she'd get to work with her father. Busily on register six, Elle Holloway was waiting on a nice-looking man. And, finally, on the express register closest to the service desk, Christabella LaRoache was bagging the groceries of an Order member. They could hear her blab on about sinning with her customer.

Just then, a woman with short blond hair, an employees cobbler on and a smirk on her face approached the group. She was blowing bubbles into a piece of gum, and they'd pop loudly. Her lips were doused in a dark red lipstick, black eyeliner covered her eyes, and two blobs of blush was visible on her face. Her name tag read: Maria.

James blushed. "Hey, Maria," he said suavely.

Maria popped her gum once more and took a few moments to overlook the new arrivals. She immediately recognized Pyramid Head right away, since her was known for disposing of her various times. He would do well in the department he had been assigned to. Maria also recognized Heather Mason. She had seen a photo of her that someone had left in the bar one night. She also knew who Claudia Wolf was, but she did not now her personally. Obviously, by James' smile, one could tell that the two had history.

"Hey, James," said Maria. "The manager was beginning that you wouldn't get them all here," she said plainly. She popped a bubble again.

James pulled at his collar. "Well, ugh, yeah. The only one who really gave me any trouble was Claudia. She hates leaving the chapel since God was killed," James explained to Maria nervously.

Claudia crossed her arms and stared at James angrily. Two deep wrinkles appeared where her eyebrows were supposed to be. She did not speak, just stared. She hadn't even been out of Silent Hill ten minutes and she hated the world already. She had seen many things on the car ride that would do a helluva lot better in Paradise. Those slow stoplights, for instance.

"You're not the manager?" Heather asked.

Maria shook her head. "Nope. In fact, he's waiting in the break room right now. Follow me."

The group then began to make their to the back of the store. They passed the Service Desk, where Alex Shepherd, Walter Sullivan, Cybil Bennett and Judge Holloway were busy working. They the made their way through two rubber swinging doors. The air immediately became colder, and boxes, garbage cans, and shelves of ruined or out-dated stock became visible. It was exactly like being in an abandoned part of Silent Hill, it was so messy and unorganized. Heather shivered and hugged herself for warmth.

"It's cold back here," she stated.

"That's because this is where all the coolers are," said Maria, pointing to a hallway of doorways adjourned with plastic freezer strips.

They finally passed into a room with an extra wide doorway. Inside the room was a fridge, a table with chairs, posters explaining how an employee should act, and even a microwave for lunch-preparing convenience for those who were fortunate enough to receive a lunch break. A pair of shiny brown leather shoes poked out from a newspaper, held up by two hands. The man was sitting back in a chair, which balanced on two legs, cross-legged.

"The new arrivals are here, Mr. Smith," said Maria with no emotion.

The man lowered his newspaper quickly and smirked.

It was Vincent.

Claudia scoffed. "Vincent!" she hissed. "What in the name of God are you doing here, you fool!?"

Vincent smiled hugely and raised his eyebrows. "Why, hello, Claudia!" he greeted. "It's nice to see you again." He folded his newspaper and tossed on the table enthusiastically. He was not wearing a pink cobbler as the rest of the employees were, but he was wearing a spiffy black suit with a striped tie. His hair was slicked back with gel and he was clean shaven. He had obviously done well since he had left the Order. He stood up from his seat and straightened his suit. "Welcome to my business," he said happily. His smile beamed at them.

"I thought you were the manager," said Heather. "Why are you dressed so fancy?"

Vincent adjusted his glasses intelligently. "Because, my dear Heather, I own this store."

Heather pursed her lips. "You do?"

"I do. After you killed God and the Order almost collapsed, I decided that I needed to be somewhere else in this life. Since I was no longer a trusted Order member, and I was left for dead," he glared at Claudia, "the idea of public services came to mind. And since I wasn't wasting my money on that dump of a chapel, I decided to invest in this place."

Claudia felt enraged. Everyone noticed a pinkness to her cheeks. "My chapel is beautiful!" she hissed. "How dare you mock the place of God!"

Vincent fell back a little. He remembered just how pissy Claudia could get when she was angry at someone for "mocking God." Deciding that fighting with her was useless, he turned to Maria.

"That is all, Maria, you may go back to your register now."

Maria popped her gum one last time. She pecked James on the cheek with her lips then sexily strode from the room. The way her hips swayed when she walked was so seductive that even Pyramid Head noticed.

"Since we need your hands today, I am not going to give a tour. Instead, I am going to leave you off with all of your department managers." He held his finger erect. "Come, follow me."

The first stop was the Produce department. Shelves beyond shelves of every type of fruit and vegetable imaginable lined the walls. There were a few customers browsing. Other than that, there was a woman stacking packs of melon from a big metal cart, placing them neatly on the shelf. She was humming a song that they all new, but couldn't put a name too. Vincent walked up to her and whispered something in her ear. She gasped, turned around to face them and smiled. She had shoulder-length mouse-brown hair and a gray sweater.

"Hello, Angela," said James. He seemed to know every female from Silent Hill.

Angela smiled. "Hello, James. I'm glad to hear that you'll be working here," she said happily. James too note that she was no longer the depressed,lost woman that he had met in the graveyard outside Silent Hill that one day. She seemed rather changed.

Vincent cleared his throat and all attention fell on him. "Claudia," he began. "Considering that your people skills are not the best, I decided that you would make a great addition to out produce department." He clapped his hands together. "Why not spend the entire day handling fruit that God has fertilized and grown herself?" He was mocking her.

Claudia frowned. Silently, she stepped away from the group and stood beside Angela. She did not know the woman, so she waited for her to speak. Angela smiled and introduced herself to Claudia, and did not forget to mention that she was head of the Produce department. Claudia introduced herself plainly. They immediately set to work. Angela handed Claudia some melons and began instructing her on where to place them.

Vincent turned to the other three. "Well, now that she's busy, let's move on."

As they strode toward the back of the store, Heather glanced at Claudia. Claudia flashed her a look that said: Please kill me. Although Claudia had killed her father, Heather felt sorry that Claudia was stuck with a woman she did not know, performing a job in a world she was not yet familiar.

Vincent began bragging about how he had bought the store for super cheap, due to the fact of Silent Hill's history with monsters. The former owner had been so frightened of the creatures that he had sold the store to the first offer that came along- Vincent. He said that the owner had used the money to jump state.

Vincent led James, Heather and Pyramid Head through two heavy, metal, black doors. The all-too-familiar smell of blood filled all of their nostrils. Heather coughed and covered her nose, breathing through her mouth. She was praying that this was not her department. Pushing their way through two more sets of doors, they stood in a dark room, with many workers at work. The workers were creatures that Heather and James recognized off the bat. Valtiel was there, skinning the corpse of a dead pig that was suspended from the ceiling by a chain.

This was the meat department.

Pyramid Head moaned satisfactorily.

"You guessed it, P.H," said Vincent. "This is your department. You have excellent skills in skinning and slicing that I couldn't place you in a better department. Also, your strength will prove hardy, since Valtiel has some trouble lifting the dead animals sometimes." Vincent then moved over to a butcher's table, where none other than the Butcher was slicing beef. Vincent pulled an immense butcher knife from the blocks surface, examined the blade on it, and handed it to Pyramid Head. "P.H, I'm sure that you know Valtiel and the Butcher already."

Pyramid Head scooted over to the Butcher. The two exchanged growls, and soon, Pyramid Head moved over to a fresh cow carcass. He held the knife high above his head. He struck downward. A single bloodied line appeared on the cow's stomach. Blood seeped through as the slice spread open, and after a few moments, the cow's internal organs all spilled out at once, plopping into a bloody mess on the stone floor. Pyramid Head nodded and groaned approvingly, and began to skin the animal skillfully. Heather gagged and covered her mouth.

_Now we will be cranking out more packages of meat than ever before. This surely will raise profits_, Vincent thought.

"Heather, let's get you to your department before you get too sick to work," Vincent said as he quickly left the room.

Back out in the store, to th left of the doors leading to the meat department, a group of customers had crowded around the window that looked into the meat room. They were all grinning and whispering as they observed Pyramid Head going at the cow carcasses. Vincent heard good things being said and smiled to himself. He pushed his glasses up his nose and nodded. The customers were rather enjoying the display of watching the tall man hidden under a metal pyramid severing animal carcasses. In fact, they all began filling out order sheets for delicacies such as rump roast, hocks, liver and even pigs feet. There was a slot for the customers to slide their order slips into, and soon, the slot became jammed with them. The customers did not mind receiving meat that was cut, sliced, and packaged by monsters from the Otherworld.

They moved along the back wall of the store, passing the deli and some cooler doors. In the back corner was the bakery. Cases of doughnuts, muffins, pies, bread and cookies surrounded the customers with sweet smells. Heather and James both licked their lips. Heather eyed a cherry pie and James could not remove his eyes from cookies that were composed of brownie batter. The chocolate chips within the cookies smelled so warm that they looked lie they could melt. It had been forever since James had had a cookie, especially a brownie cookie. He hoped with everything inside him that this was hid department.

But it was not.

It was Heather's.

Heather was plastered against a case of pies, eyeing them hungrily and licking her juicy lips. Vincent came up behind her and giggled. "Are you going to enjoy this department, Heather?" he asked.

Heather quickly withdrew from the case. "What?" she demanded.

"Yes. I've decided that the bakery is the right place for you, since you enjoyed playing with a flamethrower so much." He remembered watching Heather parade around, burning monsters with the flamethrower she had found in Helen's Bakery. She had found it in a bakery, and now, she was going to work in one. What a joke that was on her. "You can use flames to create tasteful, crisp bread and sweet cookies!"

Heather moaned disapprovingly. James had said that this job was going to be good for her, something to remind her that there was still some Good in the world. Alessa had wanted to cleanse the world with fire. Alessa still inhabited the inside of her , and now, she was to use fire for a living. What. The. Hell.

Behind the bakery counter was none other than Leanord Wolf. He was human again, instead of living as a disgusting sewer monster. He wore a ridiculous hat that looked somewhat like a paper sailboat. He was humming some tune he had heard in the church during mass, as he placed three loaves of bread into the oven. He turned to them when he noticed them.

"Ah! Mr. Smith! How are you today?" he chirped.

"I am well, Mr. Wolf," replied Vincent. He gestured to Heather. "Mr. Wolf, I would like you to meet your new assistant baker, Heather Mason."

Heather's jaw dropped. She had heard stories from Claudia what Leanord used to do her as a child, what if he did the same to her? What if she performed under expectations and Leanord threw her in the oven, or beat her with a bread board? Everything inside her cramped.

_I hate you, Wolf, you bastard, _said Alessa in Heather's head. Heather shook her head to shake away Alessa. She turned to Vincent. "You can't be fucking serious, Vincent!" she whispered. "He'll beat me with that bread board."

Vincent chuckled lowly. "I can assure you, Heather, that Mr. Wolf has changed and has earned my utmost respect."

Leanord smiled at Vincent again. "Have you found a place for my child in this establishment?" he asked. He sounded kind of shrill.

Vincent laughed. "Mr. Wolf, I belive that Claudia is a very wise woman and will prosper in the Produce Department. I have left her in the hands of one of my most trusted managers, Miss Angela Orosco."

Leanord boomed happily. "She ought to teach that foolish girl a lesson! Excellent choice, Mr. Smith!"

Vincent, enjoying Leanord's happiness, giggled along for a few.

Leanord faced Heather. "Are you ready to learn how to make sweets for the customers, Miss Mason?" he asked jollily.

Heather pulled at her cobbler again. Nervous as could be, she inched slowly behind the bakery counter, where Leanord placed a sailboat hat on her head. She had left the safety of Leanord and James, and was now at Leanord's wrath. Feeling ridiculous that Vincent would trust her in the hands of a child abuser, Heather swallowed her pride and listened carefully to what he had to say about baking bread.

"James, I'm afraid that I am out of a head stockman at the moment, I figured you could put your muscles to work," said Vincent.

James nodded. "Absolutely. I'll get started right away, Sir."

"Go back through the doors by the Produce and take a left. There is a clipboard sitting on top of our most recent load of stock. I have no stockmen yet, but I am in the process of hiring some. Take inventory on the clipboard and turn it into Maria. Then place the items on the correct shelves in the correct aisles."

"Got it."

"Good, now get to work."


End file.
